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Friday, March 30, 2018

What when you are cheated and lied to ..in your relationship?

Today is good Friday.  As the priest asked us to meditate on the wounds of Christ, I was set to thinking on what could be the most painful kinds of wounds and the most difficult lessons in life. And so I am here again after a long time with something to ponder in my Thinking Space.



There are those not so difficult lessons to master;  people to whom you have done good may be the ones who ditch you. You may be misunderstood by your friends,  humiliated for no fault of yours, deserted by those you expected to be with you. Piece of cake to handle. Okay, well, more or less...,particularly if you have experienced such things a couple of times, and if the relationship was not more than that of friendship. The thought that can help through, is that, if Jesus,despite being the purest of pure, in spite of the miracles he performed, was misunderstood by the masses and disowned by any of his disciples; we don't really have to lose our self- esteem over these things. People can be like that.

But as I look around I see a very difficult lesson that many are struggling with owing to the different nature of  relationships in the current times. More often than not, relationships are no longer  exclusive. Some with consent, some without, have more than one partner at a time.  Cheating someone who has been perfect in the relationship is not so difficult, unfortunately. Lying, lying and more lying to someone trusting, loving, sincere and honest is also, sadly normal . 

But Jesus says. who has not done these things, can raise the first stone.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.Luke6: 37 
So, no, this post is not to judge anything. But I am here wondering, that if you have been cheated, how do you survive it? I see a lot many struggling to cope and I feel pained. After a lot of deliberation, I thought of writing this post and just hope to be of some help.

First of all,  it is important to accept that it is not easy to cope with such a situation. You did your all, you don't know what was lacking in the relationship for the person to look outside of it. Maybe it was just to find a new thrill, a new exploration, a new chase. If in an open relationship, I guess people handle it, but in closed, exclusive ones?  There is breech of trust. Getting out is one option, but if you want to be in for whatever reasons, how do you do that? Maybe everything else is perfect and you do not expect another new person to be less of a cheat eventually. What questions would help you decide?

One is, quite obviously, you surely have to have the other person, coming down on knees begging your forgiveness and telling you that you are  wanted in their life. Giving assurance that they won't lie or cheat and that they would bring more transparency into the relationship is also important.

But last time he promised the same,  when you had seen the beginnings of an affair?  But he just hid it well from you this time around when he got connected again? 
Hmm what then...?
So, you still want the relationship, in spite of these factors!???

If so, you have no choice but to LET GO. No I don't mean the relationship. I know you don't want to do that. But you have to let go the need to control your spouse/partner.  There are things you cannot control, such as another person's honesty and sincerity to you, his feelings for another. You cannot be assured that a person who is used to lying, will turn truthful overnight. Even if they do, you may find it hard to give up doubting. No... saying how much it hurts you, condemning or expressing your fears and hoping the other would understand, may not help because still in no way can you be sure that he won't lie again. Lies in relationships are like that pus filled pimple that simply never seems to go, just keeps coming back. Some germs are incorrigible. So whats the point in incessantly begging for honesty?

Then what the hell can you do?
Exactly, we come back to it again. NOTHING. The only way is to let go of the  effort to control the situation and take up prayer to God. Pray that your relationship gets over the mess. Pray that it gets strengthened with honesty and sincerity. But be your own self, do your own thing, be engaged in your own. Don't keep trying to make sense out of it, to find out why it happened; there is no reason. Don't convert 'keeping an eye on your spouse' into your job. Don't pester your spouse or partner with calls or messages, hoping to crowd out any possible lover or checking to know whether he is on call with someone. All this will only make you insufferable to your partner and it will also make your every moment a hell. It is not the loving thing to do to your partner (who probably is repentant ) or , needless to say, to YOURSELF.

Yes, this requires a lot from you, because the only thing in your hand is...... nothing, but to pray for healing in your relationship and to let go your need to control.  It requires relinquishing a reliance on your own wisdom and trusting entirely on god.
It also requires humility to accept that you are not all important for the one you love and maybe never will be. He/she has not found you enough and it's more sensible not to expect that anymore (because you had been more than enough).

Yes, you have to be SUCH a bigger person .......But that's spiritual evolution; you are bigger than the way you started off. Possibly God loves you so much, he gave you a difficult lesson to master in your spiritual journey. And hey, you are not intended to suffer for someone else's failings, but you are expected to learn your invaluable lessons.

Yes, you have to hold your tongue from begging for honesty, your hands from checking his/her phone.Yes, it requires suffering alone and eating those words that you actually want to throw at your partner so that he/she would hurt as much as you do. Your ego is hurt, you may want to even opt out immediately. He/she made you feel so small and insignificant. True. but...
If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you. Even sinners do that. Luke 6:33

Never forget that life is transient and that"In every crisis there is an opportunity". Maybe it is your opportunity to grow or an opportunity for your relationship to deepen. So, check out your resilience. Be good. Don't hurt your partner just because you are hurting. Not the loving thing to do.  Yeah, you may still end up doing that sometimes. Well, forgive yourself too.

PS- There is indeed the possibility that liars stay liars despite your prayers. They may stay blind to your pain when they resort to blame and other tactics or strategies to evade your questions or to hide facts from you. If you are indeed with such a self serving, habitual or pathological liar, prayers will help you find enough evidence for that sooner than later and will give you the resolve to dissociate from that painful relationship and to find your peace.........

1 comment:

Unknown said...

That's wonderful Jerly to read your contents touching nerves of many people including. Keep it up your can impact in many people's life. Be true to your self. As far as this post is concerned if some body is lying ..he or she is lying to to hinself/herself. Sooner or later person realises that he / she actually himself not other. Yes Forgiveness is best virtue. But to develop the power to forgive somebody I feel is only possible when we develop the ability of having patience as much , being humble, being grateful, sacrifice, loving unconditionally , holding others, praising others, giving attention who needs it, being kind and so on. These are nature of God and hence God the Christ came on earth to teach LOVE and forgive us. Christ came to forgive mankind for their sins. We have to develop the nature of God though it's sounds unrealistic for some people but its possible. FORGIVING someone is possible when we develop such nature as I discussed. THANK you Jerly.😊
SATYA RAJA.

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