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Saturday, October 1, 2011

For the institution of marriage to survive...

I read a story in the newspaper about a woman, an only child of a couple, who was married off, only to get killed by her husband in a matter of 10 months from the marriage! The parents had brought a car for the groom...in which she was driven by the husband..dead, to be dumped.

Such are the possible consequences of marriage but our society does so love the institution called marriage and pushes off their darlings to experiment with dangers...without any training..

Dont all parents, all married couples know that the opposite sex is very different and very difficult to understand. Dont they remember how they struggled to understand their spouses? Probably they think, theirs was a unique case but infact the issue is not in your spouses, the real issue is lack of awareness about basic differences in the opposite sex, and lack of skills to bridge the differences. Isn't it the reason why a person who divorces once and marries again ends up divorcing again..and again. If the woman likes to communicate, the man mostly prefers quiet. If the woman likes to correct, the man hates to listen. If the woman is romantic, the man is practical..It wouldn't be wrong to say men and women are basically incompatible. Left to themselves, to their own devices, each person tries to change these differences to similarities, getting frustrated and resentful in the process.

And also, due to these differences that are not understood as natural differences, judgements are often made of the character that makes each sex become disgustful of the other in the long run, killing the very soul of marriage. If only they had known what to expect and what not to expect from the other sex....It could prevent disgust and anger from destroying the marriage by building the base of understanding that comes from being informed. Understanding and training could have given the skill to deal with differences correctly to make the marriage functional.

If society does want the institution of marriage to survive, what is it doing about it? It takes only trained people to do its engineering, doctoring, and for all sorts of institutions, but why does it not bother to train people for its much loved and fundamental institution of marriage? Is the indifference because the people in the marital institution are not paid to be in it? But isnt the exceeding number of divorce cases, the disturbed kids, the abuse, the murders in marriage, big enough reasons for worry that make the society sit up and finally do something about it.

I believe that society would benefit itself by starting a compulsory subject at graduation level that is equivalent to "Premarital councelling". All courses should have this as a compulsory subject and even the non graduates should require a certificate course in it to get married.. The subject should help in learning skills that help interact aptly with the opposite sex in marriage. It should most importantly also include sessions that involve releasing each individual from the baggage and damages of their family and upbringing, their past relationships, to prevent carrying and projecting its ill effects into their marital relation. This is important because unknowingly we live the roles of our parents and react to our spouse with the prejudices towards the opposite sex learnt unconsciously as a result of our earlier interactions with them in earlier relationships or even the view projected through the media.

There are many skills about handling relationships that cant be learnt easily without some sort of guidance. Look at marriages and you will see that 90 % of the times, the skill couples invariably learn by themselves, to deal with the spouse, is to keep distance, and with each passing year the distance builds. If society does really want the marital institution to be healthy and survive in the long run, creating balanced individuals in its offsprings, it does require a compulsory course in developing skills for marriage. I really dont think optional pre marital councelling or councelling when issues crop up is sufficient. What society currently does is like giving the car to an untrained person and asking that it be driven in heavy traffic. Is it enough to give the driving suggestions when the person and car are damaged in an accident? How would it look condemning the issue of increasing accidents when no effort to change the scenario is thought out? Yes, I am in fact saying society has been stupid and highly callous in its attitude to its fundamental institution, and what worries me is how long it will choose to stay so..



(A related post by me "Informed Love" (http://jerlyt.blogspot.com/2009/12/informed-love.html)can be viewed by clicking the title of this post)

18 comments:

Prem Rao said...

I guess it's so very important to be good role models for their children. We tend to think and act as we saw our parents do. This applies to issues regarding marriage as well.

Jerly said...

very very true. unconsciously we relive the roles we saw

Jovy Thomas said...

Really a thought provoking post. If by chance such a course starts, I want you to set the syllabus!

Sujeeth said...

Very true thoughts.

Jerly said...

He He Jovy, I wont mind doing that :)
Thanks Sujeeth, hoping that such a compulsory course could become true someway...

Heena said...

Brilliant write-up dearie! thanks for sharing it with me! really its awful when even our parents don't understand the situation a girl faces after marriage and in India all the more its worse, parents are more worried about their status and reputation in society rather than worrying about their gal who suffers thru all this, and many a times we aren't confident of this holy institution coz of what we have seen in our home or anywhere else; i liked the part where you mentioned about the compulsory course even i feel there should be one and everyone should be a part of it!!
god bless u and keep penning such provoking posts and keep sharing!! :)

Monu Awalla said...

wat an amazing analogy between driving and marriage!
I support Jovy's comment.. lol :D
u have a point in this post.. :)

Motifs said...

Jerly,u have put me into serious thought after reading this one...we do relive the roles we see..and the thought scares me..a lot!!!

Roy Durham said...

great article, and one i have given a lot of thought too. i agree with most of what you have wrote. there is a lot that goes into a marriage to day and in the past. culturally and socially there need to be education. for any marriage to work it takes a firm commitment on both parties to make it work. there is no one magical formula to make one work. thank you for your post and god bless

Mani said...

Jerly indeed wt a provoking write-up. Our society has failed to understand that with changing times even the marriage priorities n basics have changed fr both the genders. I hope this article cud reach millions n get published.

Keep it up!

Jerly said...

I hope so too Mani. Thank u all for supporting this solution with your comments. I wonder but how to take it into the realm of reality. Hope to get suggestions...

JANU said...

Unknowingly we live the roles of our parents- so true. I am for Premarital counselling....thought provoking post.

sulekkha said...

Thought provoking post,something needs to be done to educate people and prepare them for life in the marital lane. Might take a while to happen though...

maheshwar'sblog said...

Sound post! I do agree with the change of time, some changes are a need.

FherYmas said...

Although there's no real secret formula in a good marriage I agree that at the early stage we should teach our youth, even children about its sanctity.
Wonderful Jerly...concise and needed real attention...

Grace said...

Such a course as "Premarital councelling" as you say will eventually be used to spread stereotypes . stereotype mindsets and and images can prove to be a deterrent by themselves and pose added challenges. Need to break wrong mindsets, pre-conceived ideas and absurd generalisations will arise and we will be in another soup!
In my view gradual awakenings should reap desired dividends and gather momentum.Society needs to be awash with waves of change.And many people are already talking about seeing it happening
With the rise of the woman , so to say , newer equations are emerging and marriages are struggling to find their peace . Maybe in time to come , we will be happy to see more sensitive men and it concerns to wait and see how scrupulous women will be!

Jerly said...

Wellcome to my blog Grace...
Its an interesting consequence that u have suggested, I think u mean that such course could be too disciplinary. At the same time I have noted that however much we read or are taught we do not believe until we experience. The prestudy would help wisen us up after a fewer blows from life than the amount of blows required to drive in a truth without a prestudy to be reminded of, fall back on...As long as we still have our freedom to learn with experience(as with any course) we wont be creating stereotypes I believe.

Ash said...

Excellent post, Jerly! Parents need to play a key role in bringing up their kids as good, tolerant and just human beings. In addition to premarital counseling, proper parental advice is also a must! :)

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