Today is good Friday. As the priest asked us to meditate on the
wounds of Christ, I was set to thinking on what could be the most
painful kinds of wounds and the most difficult lessons in life. And so I
am here again after a long time with something to ponder in my Thinking
Space.
There
are those not so difficult lessons to master; people to whom you have
done good may be the ones who ditch you. You may be misunderstood by
your friends, humiliated for no fault of yours, deserted by those you
expected to be with you. Piece of cake to handle. Okay, well, more or
less...,particularly if you have experienced such things a couple of
times, and if the relationship was not more than that of friendship. The
thought that can help through, is that, if Jesus,despite being the purest of pure, in spite of the miracles he performed, was misunderstood by the masses and disowned by any of his disciples; we don't really have to lose our self- esteem over these things. People can be like that.
But
as I look around I see a very difficult lesson that many are
struggling with owing to the different nature of relationships in the
current times. More often than not, relationships are no longer exclusive. Some with consent, some without, have more than one
partner at a time. Cheating someone who has been perfect in the
relationship is not so difficult, unfortunately. Lying, lying and more
lying to someone trusting, loving, sincere and honest is also, sadly
normal .
But Jesus says. who has not done these things, can raise the first stone.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not
condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.Luke6: 37
So,
no, this post is not to judge anything. But I am here wondering, that
if you have been cheated, how do you survive it? I see a lot many
struggling to cope and I feel pained. After a lot of deliberation, I
thought of writing this post and just hope to be of some help.
First
of all, it is important to accept that it is not easy to cope with
such a situation. You did your all, you don't know what was lacking in
the relationship for the person to look outside of it. Maybe it was just
to find a new thrill, a new exploration, a new chase. If in an open
relationship, I guess people handle it, but in closed, exclusive ones?
There is breech of trust. Getting out is one option, but if you want to
be in for whatever reasons, how do you do that? Maybe everything else is
perfect and you do not expect another new person to be less of a cheat
eventually. What questions would help you decide?
One
is, quite obviously, you surely have to have the other person, coming
down on knees begging your forgiveness and telling you that you are
wanted in their life. Giving assurance that they won't lie or cheat and that
they would bring more transparency into the relationship is also important.
But
last time he promised the same, when you had seen the beginnings of an
affair? But he just hid it well from you this time around when he got
connected again?
Hmm what then...?
So, you still want the relationship, in spite of these factors!???
If
so, you have no choice but to LET GO. No I don't mean the relationship.
I know you don't want to do that. But you have to let go the need to
control your spouse/partner. There are things you cannot control, such as
another person's honesty and sincerity to you, his feelings for another. You cannot be assured
that a person who is used to lying, will turn truthful overnight. Even
if they do, you may find it hard to give up doubting. No... saying how
much it hurts you, condemning or expressing your fears and hoping the
other would understand, may not help because still in no way can you be
sure that he won't lie again. Lies in relationships are like that pus
filled pimple that simply never seems to go, just keeps coming back.
Some germs are incorrigible. So whats the point in incessantly begging
for honesty?
Then what the hell can you do?
Exactly,
we come back to it again. NOTHING. The only way is to let go of the effort to
control the situation and take up prayer to God. Pray that your relationship gets over the mess.
Pray that it gets strengthened with honesty and sincerity. But be your
own self, do your own thing, be engaged in your own. Don't keep trying
to make sense out of it, to find out why it happened; there is no
reason. Don't convert 'keeping an eye on your spouse' into your job.
Don't pester your spouse or partner with calls or messages, hoping to
crowd out any possible lover or checking to know whether he is on call
with someone. All this will only make you insufferable to your partner
and it will also make your every moment a hell. It is not the loving
thing to do to your partner (who probably is repentant ) or , needless to say, to YOURSELF.
Yes,
this requires a lot from you, because the only thing in your hand
is...... nothing, but to pray for healing in your relationship and to
let go your need to control. It requires relinquishing a reliance on
your own wisdom and trusting entirely on god.
It also requires humility to accept that you are not all important for the
one you love and maybe never will be. He/she has not found you enough and
it's more sensible not to expect that anymore (because you had been more than enough).
Yes,
you have to be SUCH a bigger person .......But that's spiritual
evolution; you are bigger than the way you started off. Possibly God
loves you so much, he gave you a difficult lesson to master in your
spiritual journey. And hey, you are not intended to suffer for someone
else's failings, but you are expected to learn your invaluable lessons.
Yes,
you have to hold your tongue from begging for honesty, your hands from
checking his/her phone.Yes, it requires suffering alone and eating those
words that you actually want to throw at your partner so that he/she would
hurt as much as you do. Your ego is hurt, you may want to even opt out immediately. He/she made you feel so small and insignificant. True. but...
If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you. Even sinners do that. Luke 6:33
Never forget that life is transient and that"In every crisis there is an opportunity". Maybe it is your opportunity to grow or an opportunity for your relationship to deepen. So, check out your resilience. Be good. Don't hurt your partner just because you are hurting. Not the
loving thing to do. Yeah, you may still end up doing that sometimes.
Well, forgive yourself too.
PS- There is indeed the possibility that liars stay liars despite your prayers. They may stay blind to your pain when they resort to blame and other tactics or strategies to evade your questions or to hide facts from you. If you are indeed with such a self serving, habitual or pathological liar, prayers will help you find enough evidence for that sooner than later and will give you the resolve to dissociate from that painful relationship and to find your peace.........
PS- There is indeed the possibility that liars stay liars despite your prayers. They may stay blind to your pain when they resort to blame and other tactics or strategies to evade your questions or to hide facts from you. If you are indeed with such a self serving, habitual or pathological liar, prayers will help you find enough evidence for that sooner than later and will give you the resolve to dissociate from that painful relationship and to find your peace.........