Silence Speaks...

My daughter showed me today a picture she had drawn, which she explained was of a person throwing trash which instead of falling in the dustbin falls on Supandi's head!

Well not going into the logic of how that could have happened, let us be reminded that in fact it happens often in life! Our baggage of raw emotions which should go into trash falls on somebody's head! We have every right to our emotions but our emotions are actually 'our problem' that we have to learn to deal with. Often we have to ask ourselves, is it the other person hurting me or am I hurting myself? When it could be our own assumptions hurting us, opening up our emotions is as good as throwing trash where it shouldn't be thrown. Jesus said "You judge according to the flesh. I Judge no one"(though he judged both in body and spirit and his judgements were correct)We judge according to what we are and rarely according to what our spirit our total self reveals to us, therefore we must be aware that we can be more often wrong than right in our judgements.

Where things have to be spoken, definitely we should speak but any abuse included in it is yet again trash. Correcting is love but abusing is a desire to hurt which is not love. It does happen sometimes as we are all human and prone to wanting to hurt in return for real or assumed hurt but to recognize it as a mistake and apologizing is important because each person is a temple of god and a temple is not the place to throw trash in. So much better to keep silent giving the benefit of doubt and let time reveal the truth. Every idle word is judged by God so we should use our words with prudence.

But then if we cant show or speak all our emotions, how do we manage it or find a solution to our problems? What works for me is writing it down, in other words opening up all the emotions in a space where I am not judged, where I can be free to be myself. To some it could be a friend or a spouse. Here we have to sort out the good from the bad, the right from the wrong, the assumed from the real. This process automatically can exhume the bad and the good can be extracted. It gives us the time to quiet our emotions and in the process we also begin to understand the situation from all perspectives. "The quieter we are, the more we are able to hear" Zen. It gives us the clarity to deal with our situation. It helps us decide whether we should be silent or should speak up.

Now it is important to know that it is not always speech that can clear problems. We should recognize that there is a power in silence that puts good the adage "Speech is silver, silence is golden."

Silence speaks in ways that speech cannot. It often holds much more of meaning than words do and can hold more power than speech. It may say I have an opinion and prod the other to probe the possibilities of that opinion and take what it needs to correct itself without us having said a word. "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr. In being silent we not only show respect that the other is not a dustbin for our thoughtless words at that time, but also allow the other to understand our silence if they do care to know our mind. We leave the choice to them.

Your silence can say, I don't care to be a people pleaser, I don't care how my speech or silence can effect you or your opinion of me.“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.” St. John of the Cross. Silence here tells people about you that; good or bad, you are comfortable with yourself and are not affected by anybody's opinion.

Your silence can say that I don't want to prove any point. I don't care what opinion you form or that I don't want to be proved correct, I am self assured. It gives weight to the fact that you believe you are right.

Or we turn silent where we know speech does not help. It reminds me of a bible passage in which Jesus says that "You do not believe me because I speak the truth"(While you believe all the liers). This happens often in life. People may like lies or like people who praise them to get benefits from them. Or they may know the truth but prefer the lies. In such situations often it is better not to waste energy speaking. Your silence here would have said, If you dont want the truth, I dont care to say it. Here your silence may either let the other take the meaning in it as whatever they want to believe for their own good or if truth was different and still bearable to the other, silence would also have said the truth without a spoken word

We also have to recognize the situations in which we have to choose silence even when it may lead us to be misunderstood or look like the wrong one; going against our natural impulses to point out the right when things are wrong. Because it is also wisdom to know where not to make our wisdom evident. Here it may often require to wisely give up our ego but giving up the ego for the larger good turns out a good bargain eventually.

Finally 'Silence' should be out of choice.That is, where we recognize that we have to speak, we should. It is very rightly said that Wisdom is in knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech...


"Confidence Counts" is a guest post by me for the blog "Whatever it Takes" that deals with an ingredient that can make the wrong- right and allows the right to be-right. It is the power behind powers.

Valentine Revisited

When I reread my poem on Valentine I realised it is in spirit with my tag line "I Me Myself"..except for a missing stanza on Myself, so I added it here( 3rd stanza) without disturbing the earlier post that is perfect in itself as it stemmed from a different thought. This take on 'Myself' I add simply for myself...

What is "I me and myself". I believe it is there in everybody's relational dealings with the world, where a raw 'I' is transformed into an adapted 'me' to cope with the world. It is therefore the mechanism and capacity to cope with the stresses of the world. To explain where 'myself' fits in in this picture, I will take an example of soil formation; the soil profile has transitional layers from one stage(layer) of soil to another. Like the unweathered bedrock and the weathered rock over it, sometimes has an active weathering state in between. Similarly the pure essence of 'I' and the clarity of 'Me' sometimes has a transitional stage of a muddled 'Myself' which has imperfections but which still opens up to a process that releases the impurities and brings forth clarity and wisdom.

"My self" is the space that creates the joys and the griefs from any circumstance by its interpretations of the circumstance. This is brought forth to its best when we realize our duty towards ourself in terms of survival and growth in the world.It then becomes the bed of love for ourselves which analyzes circumstances and opens the wisdom in our soul which in turn transform every troubled thought into catalysts to more joy and peace in our heart. Just like a bees sharp probe brings up honey from deep within....

'Myself' then becomes the responsibility towards ourself to turn every sting of grief into precursor to lasting Joy, an aid to the opening of the fountain of Bliss within us....


MY BEST VALENTINE


It's a day of Love, a day to give
A day of friendship, joy to live
But first I have a Heart of Mine!
I treat it well, my Valentine

It cares for all, it cries for peace
It bleeds for love, it smiles with ease
And then all lone the day?! It's fine...
as 'I', am my best Valentine!

It hears me out, its listening heals,
It clears my thoughts, its silence speaks,
It beds with love a space that's mine
'Myself', My nest My Valentine

It mends my dream, eases my frown
It holds my wishes, n'er let's me down
All darkness, it's my one sunshine!
Yes 'Me', my very best Valentine...

The earlier post is "Valentine for the Loved or Unloved"

Funny ME

I have understood one thing lately, that there is no better way to look at oneself than in a way, where we could laugh at our own self. I realised this when a friend recently told me that Proust reminded her of me and showed me a video that tickled my funny bone !! Marcel Proust is a novelist (1930), the author of the seven volumes collectively called" In Search of Lost Time" which is considered a masterpiece because of the underlying philosophy of how to really appreciate life even in the little things. You might wonder what is funny about this outrageous comparison!

I must be excused as I was hearing about Proust for the first time and what I really saw in the video about Proust rather than making me heady with pride showed me something to laugh at..at him and myself. The video of how Proust can change your life conveyed to me certain things about Proust that I accepted that there was a similarity. Although my friend meant that Proust's and my thinking process seemed similar, the similarity I saw, however,  was a bit different.

 Proust's book describes small things at great lengths and so it is suggested that one could read it only if confined to bed with illness or a broken leg with simply "NOTHING" else to do. Yeah I have sometimes had to hold my friends by the neck and shove my writings down their throats. In the video Proust is shown cutting some portions of a page and sticking it somewhere else. Well if he really was the compulsive editor like me, I am infinitely more lucky, I have the computer! Proust is shown questioning a diplomat regarding the minutest details of his routine interrupting from time to time to make him elaborate where he might have rushed past. It was the diplomats expressions this time that made me laugh. Yeah I guess I have managed that expression onto some of my close friends' faces!

Later after I read the book 'Proust can change your life' by Alain De Botton, I could see what I might have discussed with my friend that led to such a linking! However outrageous it may sound, there were certain ideas that felt similar, like the "importance of not fully getting what one wants" as an essential ingredient to be happy. Apart from that, maybe the detached way of dealing with certain topics was a similarity, and especially I think the understanding that no book is complete in itself and we have to depend on our own intuition (according to Proust in a book we may discover our own unexpressed thoughts but these may not be complete in itself without some personal editing). But unlike Proust I don't really indulge my whole self in the minutest details of living like sipping a cup of coffee! I am more hurried. Also unlike Proust I don't think what I write is what I couldn't make use of in real life (However audacious I might sound.) I write mainly because writing benefits me by helping me think clearer and find solutions that take me towards a better direction whereas for Proust his wisdom probably reconciled him to his suffering which (for more or less understandable reasons) he couldn't change.

But what I rather admired is the treatment of Proust by Alain De Botton. He told us how serious people can be so funny. What I took from Alain De Botton is the understanding that what we need is to laugh affectionately at others and ourselves and take each person, their qualities, their faults, less seriously.

Alain De Botton speaks in Ted Talk about his philosophy of success in which what attracted me, was his view on modern society, of how it has become centered on the self. We seek out nature not for health but because we want to run away from the human anthill, from our dramas, we do want to be centered on something that is not human. Yes, It does appear that we have become more serious than we need to be about ourselves.

This touched me more as I had just come back from a nature experience, away from traffic, away from the computer, away from the serials I follow; watching the slow unhurried existence of nature in the Vidarbh region of Maharashtra, where in its windy air unwillingly trying a hand at the kite flying suddenly lifted my spirits when the kite did really take off! It lifted also the drooping corners of my mouth as it brought back the child in me. The rest of the days there, all I wanted to really do was learn to fly a kite, quite like the unthinking, unhurried little child who would take her own sweet time for a wasteful activity. Proust would have nodded his approval.

Anyway who really knows what is important enough to do in life. I guess as long as 'I' am not so important, anything could be worth wasting time on...

Starting All Over!

There are few joys compared to starting all over! A new year, a new place, new people....The new has something to hope for, something to look forward to, where the old often has exhausted itself. The last month, exhausted options, absorbed lessons. ..

I would say life has not always turned out as I expected, but I wouldn’t say in the end, I did not relish life as it turned out to be! I have been, I would also say, blessed with the new, even when I wished to settle down at one, be it places or friends! Seven places before marriage and four after, not including Bangalore where I lived four times in all the years put together. Which place do I call my place, maybe the place that calls me back the most? I have been lucky to live near Goa after marriage, to have known traffic free roads of Kudal and Chiplun, where long drives were immensely relaxing and nature was so lush. Yet it is very rare that a place has held me back, maybe once, an apartment where I could see a lake from my window in a place like Pune. But eventually the signs are so clear when it is time to move, that once done with it however painfully, I rarely look back!

People ask me which place or friends I miss. I am sure I cut across as hard hearted when I don’t have a place or person I miss. For me the place I live, the best friend I have in that place, is all that matters! I am surprised when my old friends remember details of long past times, as one would of a moment ago,but that are almost clean out of my mind as a past life would be! Being reminded of them is, for me, like having undergone a past life regression session, and I dare not admit that to my dear old friends who have carried the memories so religiously! I even surprise and scare myself with this capacity not to look back at even the most fabulous of times, even those that had been immensely difficult to give up! Which friend do I belong to then, maybe the friend who cares to keep holding my hand, whatever the distances that may come in!

I have often thought of myself as absent minded, not interested in devoting my whole mind to the routines, not living in the present, but some days like today, as I realise I am starting over, I also realise I am most present where it really matters. I do live each place fully, absorb each friend totally, so that when I part I carry their essence in me, they are added on to what I am. We usually miss something which wasn’t lived fully, which wasn’t totally added on to us.

Starting over again for me is the point of time when comes the awareness that I am a new added up person. Each place, each person, each year adds on to us in more ways than mere figures! Reminds me of the words from a song..

Maine tinke uthaye huen hain paronpe, ashiana nahin hai mera. I don’t have a nest...I carry the straws in my feathers.

Sometimes the best things about life can be found in not having a nest, in starting all over, in growing again in a new soil, however painful each uprooting is...

The Controls for Equilibrium (Equilibrium 6)

It is important to know what are the pitfalls possible in a spiritual search and the pitfalls are to be studied in the seekers who visibily faltered. I was really impressed by some of Osho Rajneesh’s teachings that I found in the net. I saw a discourse by Osho on dance meditation, in which he says (in essence) that spiritual experience can be achieved through dancing (after meditation) where we build up our energy , spiral it up to a climax, an experience similar to orgasm; and as we stop we draw in that energy into us, we let it engulf us, descend down upon us, into us. He spoke elsewhere that perversions arose when one indulged in desires in mind rather than in real life, and he seemed to be much against perversions from what I could gather. Then what happened? Why and how did he go so wrong as to become just a manipulator and not a real practitioner of his teachings. I read that he amassed wealth, had strange fears, wanted to be known as enlightened above all others, became a slave to desires instead of being liberated from them.

Osho believed in spontaneity and allowed each person in his gathering to follow his or her spontaneous mind. He encouraged indulging in desires and other tendencies like anger, violence, etc and believed it to be the way to be free from them. Is there really such a path? J. Krishnamurthi advocates becoming aware of one’s feelings and emotions as a witness and not suppressing them. But he does not at the same time mean deliberately indulging in them. It means that if emotions come, 'accept' them (rather than suppressing or denying them), it does not mean 'act' on them.

Spiritual experiences are possible with an external aid like a sexual partner. Tantra advocates meditating before and after sex, to use the high energy state arrived through sex to connect with the higher powers.(a corollary is that, if the high energy state is not pulled up through meditation to clear the whole channel, then the lower chakras may gain over activity and make a man more and more lustful and worldly. I would even say it is very important to meditate post sex to remain a balanced personality) Sometimes even drugs are taken to initiate into the spiritual highs. But these paths if not carried with right minds have the dangers of making you dependent on them for your experiences.These paths may lead one to explore only the highs and forget about the reason for having reached the high, that was to invoke and connect to the higher power. When the purpose becomes the "high" it can become an obsession and instead of liberating, it can make one a slave of such highs. This is a very tender area and definitely not for all, as its path is beset with dangers of becoming perverted especially when explored in a group. In fact, many of Osho’s followers have been known to have become desperate to keep the “highs’.

On the other hand, the path of detachment and turning inwards is free of such dependencies, but detachment as an approach for the beginning seeker can often lead to disinterest in life or depression. So to avoid the dangers of both, the midway of cyclic attachment and detachment can be practiced by a beginner.  The cyclic approach also has the advantage of never loosing sight of the objective, of achieving that equilibrium state where the internal powers are opened up and sustained to the optimum.

Nuclear power if harnessed with necessary controls gives us usable energy whereas uncontrolled it leads to explosion and destruction of everything that had been intended to benefit from the energy. By the same token, if the spiritual search is carried out in a controlled way, it leads to drawing in of controlled energy and leads to spiritual growth, but if we pursue it without the necessary controls, there are dangers of affecting the mind negatively, like becoming incoherent, antisocial, perverted, depressed or even an extent of madness.

Osho was also known to be proud of his so called awake state and was self promoting. Osho’s teachings(not all his words) that I have read indeed seem sound. It is said, however, that his teachings are actually influenced by lot of other philosophers. That is possible and, realistically speaking, is not a matter of concern. Where things go wrong is when there is lack of faith and practice of one's own words. Faith in one’s own words or any teaching can come only when it is an experiential understanding and not merely a read understanding.

While such experiences as Osho advocated are true and seem to have come through an experiential understanding, what went wrong, I would say, was his pride that there is nothing more to learn, that there is no more of “waking up” to happen. He faltered in his pride and disbelief in God. His pride made him conclude that he is awake and others are not, be it any other religious figure. In so doing he closed himself to lessons from the universe. If he had not closed himself to God he would not have blindly followed his theory of giving in to desires. If he had believed in God, a power that knows more, that knows all, then that humility and belief, would have led to the universal power directing his life in a way that he would have eventually learnt (and taught) that the path of exploring desires is to be matched by a phase of abstinence from desires to find the equilibrium where one no longer is slave to desires, parking eventually into the more stable and peaceful state.That if the path sought is of spontaneity, then it is a personal path to be practiced alone (with a requisite humble heart subject to a ‘higher’ God's will, phased with abstinence); and not in a group of varied minds where everybody’s spontaneity without any checks could lead to corruption of the susceptible and collective human minds.

Cleaning the mind of evil thoughts and pride, liberation from sins, faith in a God and lack of fear are the essential controls to not lose the equilibrium. This is an unavoidable first step before invoking the inner power. A group or gathering of seven days as of a Christian retreat involves first a reflecting on what are our sins and enables repentance. Next step is confession of sins and becoming clean and then the third step is invoking the spirit. In this the cleaning provides for the necessary controls to make the incoming energy beneficial for the growth of the spirit. Without this necessary cleansing, evil minds corrupt the energy by their negative intents. Even during the invocations, those who get filled with the spirit are protected by the priests with the drawing of the cross on the forehead. A faith in a protector and a consequent deliverance from fears is another necessary control to the search for the spiritual experience. Faith in a benevolent God is necessary as in a spiritual experience we are drawing in more of the spiritual connect into an instrument called the body which has its limitations which should be respected. It can only take a controlled amount of energy. An excess can damage its faculties. Faith and focus on God provides an absence of fear which is a vital control. These controls provide the necessary equilibrium inflow of energy and spirits without the damages that evil intents and fears can bring in.

But energy uncontrolled and set free to spontaneity and that too in a large gathering without an innate faith in a God, and a consequent excess of pride, is uncontrolled energy. This uncontrolled energy can be like a nuclear explosion in its aftermath. It can corrupt the human mind leading it to unreasonable fears and unaccountable acts, which is what happened eventually to Osho.

“Adhigam Amritam Vesham” An excess of good is evil. Therefore everything in moderation, including moderation”

“The Secret” called Duality. (Equilibrium 5)

My father in law kept saying every time we have met since the last two years, ‘Jerly get me notes or any explanations about the concept called duality’. He had given me a paper cutting but I grasped very little. Yin yang, light dark, good evil. So? I was not clear what he wanted to comprehend. Duality? I thought each time and left it at that. Two days ago in our train trip together, I was disproving his belief that ‘we wish circumstances into our life’. As I spoke out my arguements, he grasped duality! I realised that unknowingly I had been stressing to him about the truth to duality, the very thing he wanted to comprehend through me!

In the trip I gave him the book on “The Secret” power of belief, (that I had actually given him to read two years ago as well and both of us forgot!) telling him that belief power as given in the book is truth "but not the whole truth". Life had come full circle as we met again with the same book and brought in the same concept of duality that was enquired about when the book was first exchanged. I realized he had put in a question in my mind and my life circumstances had brought to me the answer over the ensuing years and even created a situation where I answered the question he had put to me! All unknowingly…

The "whole truth" as I can state it now in a word is ‘duality’- “there is positive in negative and negative in positive”.

As I completed reading the book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, just before I gave it two days ago to my father in law, I was thinking the same thing I thought when I began reading the book …in April 2010- 'Why would I wish for positive when there is so much to gain from negative in terms of growth, spiritually and as an individual?’ I had clean forgotton that I had reached this same conclusion before! But intuition pushed me today to read my own posts on EQUILIBRIUM for no real reason and I discovered that I was only rediscovering my own earlier thoughts. (It reminded me of the earlier exchange of the book that I had forgotton…)

“The Secret” says, “we create our lives by our thoughts, so think positive, believe that you have money, joy and all the good things in life and you will attract them. And if you have negative in life then you thought them into your life, so (moron) start thinking positive” 'The Secret' is written with the assumption that positives, like Money, Joy, Success are desirable whereas; negatives like Lack, Pain, Failure etc are undesirable. Why and how do we decide that Lack, Pain and Failure are undesirable?

(Karma and its consequences can be overcome by the power of belief in a saving God. But what about collective consciousness/ thoughts of a group of related people or whole humanity(remote past or present thoughts) which often is said to be responsible for the future events? An individual's positive thought may be drowned in a collective negative thought pattern, or vice versa. Moreover some future events can be devined in what is called premonition. It would bring in the question of whether the egg came first or the hen. All this is not incorporated in a simple 'belief = reality' equation of "The Secret".)

Honestly there is power in belief but where the “cut and paste” simple truth of ‘ positive thinking’ calling in the positive circumstances fails is…in answer to questions like, ‘ what when one asks for something like wisdom; what would you expect as circumstances in such a persons life?’ Wisdom is seldom encountered on the easy path, so if your souls yearning is wisdom then do not fret if your belief in so called “good things” in life is never fulfilled. Sometimes thinking and wishing for something positive can bring in negative as circumstances. One cannot gain wisdom by merely reading theories, one gains wisdom by reaching to the same conclusions in life. So as long as you have negativity in life use it, as it is your tool to the wisdom you were calling. (refer EQUILIBRIUM 1) And do not be troubled by “The Secret” blaming you for all the negatives in your life! You wished for happiness but your soul yearned more strongly and it yearned for wisdom. No book is complete in itself and depend on your intuition more than any book in the world be it scriptures (Refer chapter 2 The Thomases Road)

This world is a duality; there is a blessing in a curse and a curse in a blessing. Why should a man then bank on his own limited understanding of what is good for him? He should know that whatever he may get in life, can have an element of blessing in it. So he should rather pray “God, give to me in life that which you feel is good for me” And then if it is suffering then face it gladly for blessed is the man who trusts in the lord and all things work together for good of those that love God.

Some choose to be dull but happy while some choose to be wiser and bear the sorrows of being able to see the truth. Jesus chose to die on the cross, Mary chose to become a virgin mother and bear the sufferings from the role God was calling her to; keeping aside her own womanly dreams to fulfill the dreams of God. Some wish to live for the one who is their creator as nothing about the world attracts them to wish anything for themselves; or they love and trust God the creator above everything else, above their human minds wishes, above the so called positives in life.

This does not mean we cannot ask for what our human mind is asking. Jesus prayed to God “ Father, remove this cup (of suffering on the cross) from me; but not what I will but what You will(be done)” So like Jesus allow your physical self to ask whatever it hopes for and let your spiritual self draw what still it wishes to draw. For we are both the body and the spirit.

“Give to ceaser what is ceasers and give to god what is gods” We have to take care of our bodily needs alongside of taking care of our spiritual needs for we cannot ignore any aspect of our self. So believe in the power of thought and ask with your body and ask with your spirit…. and hope that both wishes could converge more often! And do not blame yourself thinking, "Oh I have not transmitted my wishes correctly, my transmitter is faulty for I am asking one thing and getting another” Those whose every little material wish is fulfilled, the chances are their transmitter is controlled only by the body whereas if your belief is not bringing things you asked for, the chances are, you as a body are controlled by a very powerful transmitter called your soul which selects that bodily wish which matches its own purpose of existing in the body. So wait patiently for God to reveal your reward, for with God’s rewards there is often delay and a test of patience.

Believe in the Secret surely but when things don’t go as per the secret power of belief believe in the duality. Negative is positive and positive is negative. Good is not in the positive or the negative, good is in the equilibrium, the midway between positive and negative which is optimum for growth of the duality that we are, the body and the spirit. So you could ask and pray most aptly for “healthy and flourishing Growth” , the very basic function and purpose of every life.

My father in law, my cotraveller in the search then agreed to all this, saying,” Sanmanas ollorku samadhanam” “the good in heart is at peace no matter what”

Love and other Lies

I heard, that the movie "The Dirty Picture" had good ratings and I was curious enough to read the review of the movie. The story line, to my surprise, was really good and agreed with my thinking, so much so that I wanted to see the movie! It is that old paradox, men want women to give them sex, but the woman who fulfils this basic want gets in return... disrespect. She might be pursued and showered with attention and care but only till she gives him what he wanted following which the man ignores her needs, puts her down in front of his family or friends and so on.

The natural make of a man is such that for him being a son or a friend may be about caring, about loving, but having sex is about dominion, about insulting, about sadism. Man’s instincts make him negative to the object of his lust, that is why the paradox that the woman who fulfils a mans lust gets nothing of his love but rather gets everything in the contrary.

I read somewhere a question- Why do people like love and hate death? Answer- People like love and hate death because love is a lie and death is a truth...
The truth is that, truths are more painful to live with so the world lives by lies. But sometimes it is good to know the truth, especially if the knowledge of truth doesn’t stop you from being yourself, rather helps you understand the real world. One big lie is Sexual "Love" as sex has basically nothing to do with love. The purpose of nature is sustenance through procreation and nature can do anything for it, even hypnotise... All life is hypnotised by a lie called sexual love to serve natures agenda. For procreation, in human terms, man has to have a need which should be prime, like an obsession. For that men have to be basically obsessive and often that is why they are prone to various obsessions, cars, money, power etc. Therefore there is no one and only true sexual love for a man as it would go against nature’s drive of procreation. Men are attracted to all women, and the act of sex being basically an act of dominion, is sadistic and can evoke even scorn and disgust in him. That is why women in marriages often become the punching bag of the man, an object to take out all his problems and issues on. "The paradox of relationships is that men cannot imagine having sex with a women they respect too much as a friend; whereas women want as a sexual partner one who respects her and is a friend!"

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' Matthew 19:5. In marriage, the lust and associated issues is sanctified with the demand that the man should consider his wife more important than even the oldest relation in his life of a mother and a father. Since sexual act is basically an act of dominion of man over woman, this dominion can be nullified only when it is in exchange of submission of the man to the needs of the partner in terms of giving more priority to the partner than any other relation, however much older. Women become vulnerable if they have bowed down to a man, given him sex. They are at the mercy of their lover and need reassurance that the dominion is in exchange for all of the attention and love of their man. But of course this does not often happen as instincts win over marital vows.

“Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other” This is what St. Paul says in Galatians 5: 16-17. Love of flesh and love of god cannot coexist. Despite the fact that there is something called spiritual sex and though it can unlock our bliss centres, but still it requires two participants on an equal plane of existence loving each other in spirit and not in body. This, if not possible, is not so favourable as two sexual partners are more intensely affected by each other's actions. Two people can rarely grow together in spirituality at the same pace all through their life. One may be spiritual but if the other oscillates between the material and spiritual planes, it affects the other partner more intensely as both "are one". Spirtual awakening through sex is more possible for women who unify love and sex, but as mentioned it has its risks and vulnerabilities. For the majority of the world "where sex is, there is no love"; it is blind to the other and is selfish and so "where love is there can rarely be place for sex".

That is why spiritual men (and even women) often prefer to approach spirituality by abstaining from sex. Men have to get over lust for lust is blinding, it does not see the person it only sees the body and is hypnotically blind to the needs of the person and aware of only the selfish needs of the flesh. This is the reason behind why evils abound in the world all revolving around the harm done from the obsession for the flesh.

What then is love? Have you heard of the musk deer who searches all over for the source of a wonderful smell when all the while it was emanating from its own navel? The search of love is not for something outward, we have to unlock love in ourselves realising that love is not the nature of the world we see. Love is the nature of the unseen which we have to unlock, not in others but within ourselves. It is the nature of loving even when you do not get love in return, it is giving even when you get nothing in return. One of the lies the society promotes is “Do good and you will get good in return.” In the real world the giver is scorned, the cruel respected” The giver is taken advantage of and the fear induced respect is the trophy of the cruel. If you give your portion of food to your house help, there is much likelihood that you are the one whom she will be comfortable dumping when you are ill and need more help. If you help someone with money, there is more likelihood the other will start assuming all your money is theirs for the asking. If you have a habit of giving then better know the truth and get used to suffering for the good you do, or get smarter and draw limits so you do not get abused for this habit of giving(for you have to love yourself too!). The dirty picture of love and sex is the same. "The one who gives sex is scorned, whereas one who ignores this need in him is respected and loved ....by the Man."

Also read on sacred sex in Towards building a relationship with God
instincts in sex in men-women